12/11/24: Venting, Because My Life is not Enjoyable

It’s winter again, and really I do love the winter. I love it when it rains, I love the grey tone of the sky which radiates dryness and simplicity. I like the houses around, some of them look comfortable. And nevertheless I do not like the place where my life is going. I feel really bad because I am very alone and very bored. All day I just study scriptures and nap. I nap a lot because of my antipsychotic medications. I also live in a place very far from the city and I don’t have car or driving licence anyway so... So my life is very boring overall and has been this way for the vast majority of my adult life.

—What is my Role in this World?—

Being a celibate—a monk, even—I ask myself whether that is really my function in this life. To be sad and alone until I die and that’s it. And why should I study scriptures? Jesus said: “Take no Thought for your Life” (Matt. 6); why should I study and meditate when it is the simple and stupid ones who will inherit the earth? I should be stupid and dumb, is what I sometimes think.

—What I Do Care About—

Yes, nevertheless I have a passion for the cross. I draw a lot of little crosses in my notebook, like these:

It’s for the luck; but also I really like the way they look.